It was in my own personal hell that I found an angel. A kindred soul that both admired and adored me, a warm guiding light that took my hand, offered to show me a way out.
I’d always imagined myself as spirited. I thrived on change; the excitement of self-reinvention thrilled me more than I care to explain. The moment life was settled or comfortable, I was ready to move on. I sprinted from the familiar; there was no warmth for me in an easy life. I loved the unknown. I loved the aliens of people that I met along the way that both inspired and horrified me.
It was much more than a place or a feeling, it was them: those creatures I encountered that would be friends or enemies. I’d been hurt, and though I had too many scars to count, curiosity always got the best of me. I loved them. Their stories, their spirits, they consumed my life. Yet, once I knew them, really knew them, I would kiss them goodbye and find the next one.
I later learned that this habit classified me as a flake. It wasn’t that I didn’t care. I just never wanted to be caught. I couldn’t allow anyone to feel like they knew who I was. I like mysteries the best you see, and there’s nothing more delicious than a well-kept secret. I longed to be that secret, an unsolved enigma that perplexed and frustrated others; that they would always remember but never understand.
It’s a narcissistic trait and not a particularly healthy one, but it’s who I am.
It went hand in hand with the perpetual longing I felt for a sense of freedom. I was never happier than when I had the wind in my hair and the sun in my eyes. It was a fleeting feeling, a drug more addictive than any narcotic. And once it was gone, I relentlessly searched for it again. In places, in people, through acts I’m not proud of just to feel that high once more. Just to feel alive.
It wasn’t until every bridge was burned that I turned to see the wreck I’d single-handedly created. And once the smoke cleared from my eyes I realized, despite the fact that I’d surrounded myself with people, I was alone. I destroyed everything I touched and I loved every moment of it. In that moment, I shattered.
When I was found it was by someone I had known once before. He became my summer; warm, kind, understanding. He looked at the world in a different way; he had the most beautiful mind. I was a child, lost and abandoned, and he led me home. It wasn’t until he was certain I didn’t need him anymore that he kissed my hand and walked away, just as I had so many times before.
In all the years I had gone through my life this way, I’d always been the one to leave. Never before had I felt so alone, so unwanted. I told him everything. I shared my entire heart. He knew me unlike anyone else before him. I hated him, yet I loved him just as I had the others. He taught me everything he could in such a short span of time, and for that I’m eternally grateful. And when I left the security of his sunlight, I realized that, although I had only moments before been in darkness, the morning was coming. A new beginning with the people I loved so dearly, that I surely couldn’t live without.
Sometimes people are meant to long for each other but never be together. We do not walk down a singular path but parallel ones that will never cross again. And sometimes we may stray off our own paths, try to reconnect with those we used to know. Sometimes you may end up taking that walk together, as family, friends or lovers. Sometimes it’s not meant to be, and we have to get back on our own trail before it’s too late and we lose it forever.
It was in that darkness that I found myself. I am stronger and wilder than I ever dreamed. I have demons I never knew existed. I am homeless. I am broken. I still love the strangers I encounter in the seasons of my life and I love the ones I’ve decided to keep forever. I am both happy and miserable at the same time. I am fucking crazy. And I am finally free.
Hey guys. I know I haven’t updated the blog in awhile, but I found this little piece that I wrote a few months back, when I was in a kind of dark, dismal place. I really liked it so I thought I would share it with you tonight. Before anyone asks NO, this is not about Tyler, and we are 100% fine. I love you all.
xoxo, your Loey